A Shallow Guide to Online Dating

We’re shallow creatures. The lot of us. Most of us never make it beyond the surface. Especially in online dating. But it’s not our fault. We worship the genetic lottery. No one comments on how Jennifer Lopez’s music has stayed relevant over the decades. But damn, she looks good. Hollywood is in on it, too. The actors have gotten more beautiful, but the quality of films, and the art of acting has suffered.

Since we can’t beat them, mine as well join them.

Don’t fight this. Don’t believe you’re not shallow. You are. For the entirety of human existence, we’ve selected our mates on physical attractiveness. At least at first. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Even yourself. No one in history has ever approached someone because they sensed they were a good person. No one asks if he/she is a good person first. It’s always “is he/she cute” followed by “does he/she have a good personality.”

We’re all shallow initially. Every single person. Even you sapiosexuals.

These days, many of us pick our romantic partners by staring at pictures and swiping. Shallow. Passive. Blah. Blah. Blah. That’s jealousy. People pissed that I could find love as I swipe taking a dump at the office. Those suckers had to “get out there and meet someone.”

Anyway, here’s the best way to maximize your online dating apps success by being a shallow asshole:

Get Professional Photos

Fork out hundreds of dollars for your profile photos. If your profile doesn’t include professional photos, people will assume you’re too poor to invest in your romantic life or lack disposable income. What’s more important? Bills or looking sexy online? How bad do you want to be loved? Prove it.

Besides, you can use the photos for other content. Like social media, your business, or career! Content is king, especially visual or video, so get with the times, get professional photos that you don’t really need or get off online dating apps.

Take Photos with the Same Group of Friends in Every Photo

Post photos of yourself with other members of the same sex. Especially people more attractive than you. Better yet, make sure all your photos are group shots with the same people in every single one. Make online daters play “Where’s Waldo” with your pics. Who doesn’t love a little game? Most people love the dating chase more than the relationship. Give the people what they want.

Show Off Your Body

Have a six pack? Show it off with that mirror or gym selfie.

Don’t have a six pack? Show it off with that mirror or gym selfie.

Want something serious? Post pics in almost nudes, lingerie, or half naked beach photos. Make sure to fill your profile with sexual innuendos and end it with “Not Looking for a Hookup.”

Mention Tequila, Fishing, and Your Car Obsession

Bro on, broheim.

Share Pictures of Your Kid, And Make Sure Everyone Knows No One Else Comes First

Responsible adults blast photos of their kid(s) all over the internet. Tell everyone how your kid has top spot. Show off that “proof of sex” in every photo. How else will anyone know that swiping right will have to come in second. Who wouldn’t want that?

Single parents dating is brutal. Consider, not showing off your kid online. Date for awhile, never mention kids, avoid the topic, and misdirect when asked. Once your love interest has committed, drop the bombshell. They might leave. They might stay. At least you had some dates for a while.

Side Note: I thought once you had a child or children, they came first, but I guess it needs to be said, as children aren’t top priority to many online daters (from my experience).

Use Jokes and Online Dating Profiles Already Online

Everything that could ever be said, has been. What more can you add? Recycle content you saw online. Originality is weird. Who doesn’t love reading the same profiles over and over again? I love swiping right on the same joke. Tell me how you “like staying in and going out.” I eat it up.

Never mind.

Don’t even post anything in your bio. If people can’t appreciate your looks and style, they don’t deserve your mind.

Match with As Many People As Possible

Actual dating is a lot of work. Commitment to one person? What happens if you start talking to someone and find out they believe in the First Amendment? Or are obsessed with the women’s rights? You have to start all over again. Don’t let small personality traits or quirks ruin your dating experience. You have other options to find your perfect mate.

Dating one person at a time? So early 2000s. Why not collect as many options as possible? That validation dopamine hits hard. Treat online dating like Pokémon. Gotta catch them all.

Use Filters and Art

Dog face filter? Angels? Butterfly eyes? Artsy photos? Beautiful shots of nature? Yes please! It’s so cool you’re well-traveled and artistic. Why show clear pictures of what you look like? Someone will eventually like you for the artsy things you post. Looks are the key component to online dating, but you defy the rules. Bad ass. It does makes me wonder if you’re hiding something. Like a significant other? Now, that sounds intriguing.

If someone gives you crap about not showing any photos of yourself, tell them you can’t put yourself on the internet for privacy reasons relating to work. Because that’s what people do at their jobs. Gossip about who they saw online dating.

Take Strategic Photos

Not happy with your body? Angles, baby. Don’t love yourself first, hide what you look like and surprise your potential date.

Selfie Nation

Take nothing but selfies. You love yourself a little too much. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe you don’t have others to help you take photos. May you’re afraid to ask for a friend to take some pics. No red flags there.

Lie About Your Age

Age discrimination is real. Especially for women. Men experience it too, but not at the rate of our female counterparts. Consider lying about your age on your profile. Sure, it’s pretty bad to lie about something like that, but it’s worse to die cold and alone. Worst case when you lie about your age? Your potential romantic partner gets angry and never speaks to you again for starting a relationship under false pretenses. Best case? It doesn’t bother your love interest. They accept little lies, and don’t see this as a major red flag of deceit. What else can you get away with? Oh, the possibilities.

Keep the Conversation Online

We’re in the “busy” time of human existence. We don’t want to waste time with someone who we don’t connect with. We have more important things to do like binge watch something on Netflix. Or work six jobs and still be behind on bills. Have you met people these days? Yikes. And who wants to go out on a date? A lot of time to get ready, to get there, and go out. What if the date sucks? What if the person is worse? And in today’s world, we may have better odds of getting shot than finding true love. Don’t risk it. Fulfill your need for companionship online. It’ll make the transition easier when humans start having relationships with robots. The sex bots are coming. Some are already here. It could be a good thing. We can train a robot to be what we want without all those emotions and needs. Have you ever tried to train a person to be what you want? Impossible. And so much emotional baggage and neediness. It’ll be so much better when soulmates are made with artificial intelligence.

There it is.

Be an asshole.

Go out there and get that love you deserve.

Or buy a robot.

Originally published at https://brianvstheworld.com on October 13, 2022.

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Stories about the struggles of a millennial trying to stay a float in our chaotic world.

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Brian Price

Stories about the struggles of a millennial trying to stay a float in our chaotic world.